Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
