I got chris browned last night
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
