I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
