Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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