The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
