I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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