I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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