Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka

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(330): View more from Ohio

...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.

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(607): View more from New York

oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.

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(703): View more from Virginia

my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life

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