Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
