I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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