Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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