How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
