My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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