grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize