I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
