I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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