the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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