I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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