I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
