If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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