Please don't use social media to get back at me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
