I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
