I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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