So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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