Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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