Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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