Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
