I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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