I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
