I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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