I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
