so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
