I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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