i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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