My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
