idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
