Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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