is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i've created a new STD.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
