you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
