I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize