Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
