I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
