can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
