I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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