I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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