I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
