Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
