This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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