Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
