I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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