I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
