Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize