One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
