I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
