first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
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Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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