My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
