couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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