So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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